How to stop texting your ex (when every part of you wants to)

If you're reading this, their chat is probably one tap away, and you've opened and closed it more times today than you want to admit. Most people in your spot do the same thing. Wanting to text an ex says very little about whether you should get back together. Mostly it means this person was a big part of your days, and your head hasn't caught up with the fact that they're gone.

This guide is about the practical side: how to get through today, and tomorrow, without sending anything.

Why the urge is so strong

For months or years, they were the person you told things to. Good news, bad news, a funny dog you saw on the way home. You felt something, picked up your phone, got a reply, and felt a bit better. After a breakup the reply is gone, but the habit of reaching for the phone stays for a while.

So a lot of the time, the urge is about a feeling you want to get rid of. Loneliness is the usual one. Guilt and anger show up too, and so does plain not knowing what they're doing tonight. If you can spot the feeling, you can find some other way to deal with it.

Decide once, on a good day

What wears you down is arguing with yourself every hour. "Maybe just one message." "Maybe if I keep it casual." You can win that argument fifty times and lose it once.

So pick a calm moment and make the decision one time: I won't contact them for the next 30 days. Then write down why. Skip the polite version and write the real reasons, like how it felt to wait hours for a reply, or the thing they said in that last fight. When the urge comes later, you don't have to decide anything. You just reread what you already decided.

Put a little friction in the way

Willpower runs out, especially at night, so make the text slightly harder to send. Archive or mute their chat so it drops out of sight. Some people rename the contact to something like "Don't. Read your reasons." It also helps to move Instagram or whatever app you use to check on them off your home screen for a few weeks.

Tell one friend you're doing no contact, and ask if you can message them when it gets bad. You don't have to block your ex unless you want to, or unless you need to for your safety. You're only trying to put a few seconds between wanting to send something and actually sending it.

What to do when the urge hits

A bad wave usually lasts around ten minutes. This is a routine you can run through while it passes:

1. Say to yourself what you're feeling, for example "I want to text them because I'm lonely right now." Putting a name on it takes some of the pressure off.
2. Write the message, but don't send it. Put it in a notes app, a paper journal or an unsent letter, and say all of it. Often getting it out of your head was what you needed in the first place.
3. Breathe slowly for a minute, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. It sounds too simple to work, but it buys time for the wave to drop.
4. Read your reasons, the ones you wrote down on a clearer day.
5. Get up and do something with your body. Drink some water or go stand outside for a bit.

Then see where you are. Most of the time the urge has dropped. If it hasn't, go through it again. There's no limit on how many times you can do this.

Before you send anything, ask yourself

• What do I want to happen after I send this?
• How will I feel if they reply coldly, or don't reply at all?
• Would I still send this tomorrow morning?
• Is there something practical, like shared bills, belongings or kids, that really needs a message? Can it wait until I'm calmer, or go through someone else?

Practical messages are fine. Keep them short and factual, and send them during the day. That doesn't count as breaking no contact.

If you slip and text them

Most people slip at least once, and it doesn't cancel the days you got through. The thing to watch out for is the "I already ruined it, so I might as well keep talking" spiral. Don't send a second message explaining the first one. Think about what set it off, whether that was the time of night, a drink, a song or an old photo, so you can plan around it next time. Then start your count again from today and keep your longest streak as proof that you can do it.

It does get easier

The urge rarely goes away overnight. It comes less often, then it gets weaker, and at some point you notice you haven't thought about texting them since lunch. Each message you don't send makes the next one a bit easier to skip.

If what you're feeling is heavier than missing someone, if you feel hopeless or unsafe, please talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional.

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